Torture By Means of Idiocy
by KaydenceRei
Summary: Olivia, Casey and Alex need information. And what better way to get it then by kidnapping Brian Cassidy? No pairings. Simply allout humor. OneShot.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing, except my socks.

**Authors Note**: Okay, just to be clear this scene is based off of one in a book, called 'Ten Big Ones', by the brilliant author Janet Evanovich.

No, this is not a very serious scene, it's just here to make you laugh! There is also no pairing.

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Hard to tell when the yelling and kicking stopped, but there was no sounds coming from the trunk when Casey parked the car in the driveway and cut the engine.

It was raining, and the street was dark. No lights shining from any of the houses. The ocean roiled in the distance, the waves thundering onto the sand and then swooshing up the beach.

It was pitch black when Casey, Alex and Olivia swarmed to the back of the Firebird. Olivia had a flashlight. Alex had a stun gun. Casey was hands free to open the trunk.

"Here we go," Casey said. "Here's the plan. Soon as I get the lid up we want Olivia to shine the light in his eyes in case the blanket's become undone, and then Alex can zap him."

Casey opened the trunk. Olivia switched the light on and aimed it at Brian Cassidy. Alex leaned forward to zap Cassidy, and he kicked out at Alex. He caught Alex square in the chest and knocked her back four feet onto her ass. The stun gun flew out of Alex's hand and disappeared into the darkness.

"Shit," Alex said, stumbling to her feet.

Olivia ditched the flashlight and Casey and her wrestled Cassidy out of the trunk. He was moving about and swearing, still wrapped up in the blanket they had wrapped him in. They lost their grip and dropped him twice on the way into the house.

As soon as they were in the kitchen, they dropped him again. Alex closed and locked the kitchen door, and they stood there breathing hard, dripping wet, gaping at the pissed-off man writhing on the linoleum. He stopped wriggling when the blanket fell away.

Cassidy had baggy homey pants that had slipped off his boney ass and were around his knees. He was wearing cotton boxers with red and white stripes. His oversize four-hundred-dollar basketball shoes were unlaced in hood fashion. He looked pretty bad, but it was an improvement to the last time Olivia had seen him.

"This is kidnapping!" Cassidy said, "You can't do this, bitch!"

"Of course we can!" Casey told him. "We'd kidnap people all the time to help Olivia."

"Well… maybe not _all_ the time," Olivia responded.

Alex looked pained. Kidnapping wasn't allowed, but they could detain and transport people with the right documentation.

"If you'll stop flopping around we'll stand you up so you can sit in a chair," Olivia told him.

"We'll even pull your pants up so we don't have to look at Mr. Droopy hanging out," Casey said. "I've now seen enough of Mr. Droopy to last a long time. It's not that great."

They dragged Cassidy to his feet, pulled his pants up and plopped him into one of those old wooden chairs, securing him with a length of rope that we wrapped and knotted around his chest and the chair back.

"You're at our mercy now," Casey said. "You're going to tell us what we want to know."

"Yeah, right. I'm real scared."

"You better be scared, if you don't start telling us who it is that wants to hurt Olivia, I'm gonna hit you one!"

Cassidy gave out a howl of laughter.

"Okay, that's it. I guess I have to persuade you," Casey said. "Go ahead Olivia, make him talk."

"What?" Olivia questioned.

"Go ahead and hurt him. Slap him around."

"You're going to have to excuse us a moment," Olivia said to Cassidy. "I need to talk to my associates in private."

Olivia pulled Casey and Alex into the living room. "I can't slap him around," she told them.

"Why not?" Casey wanted to know.

"I've never slapped anyone around before," Olivia told Casey, a look of distaste on her face.

"So?" Casey questioned.

"So, I can't just walk up to him and hit him. It's different when someone attacks you and you get lost in the heat of the moment," Olivia explained.

"No it's not," Casey said. "You just keep thinking he hit you first. You just walk up to him, and imagine him punching you in the face. And then you punch him back. Once you get started, I bet you'll like it!"

"Why don't you hit him then?"

"I could if I wanted," Casey said with a shrug.

"Well, then?"

"I just don't think it's my place." Casey grinned, "I mean, you're the one who needs to know the information, and you're the cop. I'm just the ADA, I figured you'd want to do it."

Olivia raised an eyebrow up at Casey. "Well you figured wrong."

"Boy," Casey said. "I never had you figured for a chicken," she said with a smirk.

Olivia wouldn't be able to live that one down. She walked back over to Cassidy and stood in front of him. "Last chance," she said.

Cassidy waggled his tongue and spat at Olivia's shoe.

Olivia made a fist, and told herself she was going to hit him. But she didn't. Her fist stopped just short of his face, and her knuckles just sort of bumped into his forehead.

"That's pathetic," Casey mumbled out.

Olivia dragged Casey and Alex back into the living room.

"I can't hit him," she told the two of them. "Someone else is going to have to do it."

Casey and Olivia turned to look at Alex.

"_Fine_," Alex groaned out. "Get out of my way."

Alex marched up to Cassidy, squared her shoulders and gave him a light slap.

"Jeez," Casey said. "Is that bitch slap the best you can do?" she asked.

"I'm a lawyer too," Alex said. "What do you want from me?"

"Well, I guess it's up to me!" Casey decided. "But I'm pretty rough when I get going, he'll be all bruised and bloody and cut up when I'm done with him. We might get into trouble for that."

"She has a point," Olivia stated to Alex. "It would probably be best if he didn't look too beat up."

"How about we all kick him in the nuts?" Casey suggested.

They all recoiled at this idea.

"I can't just kick him in the nuts," Alex said.

"Me either," Olivia agreed. "He's just sitting there. I can't kick a guy in the nuts when he's just sitting there. Maybe we should turn him loose, then we can chase him around the house and get into the moment."

"No way," Alex said. "He already knocked me on my ass once tonight, I'm not giving him another shot at it!"

"We could burn him with lighted cigarettes," Casey suggested.

All three women looked at each other. None of them smoked, so they didn't have any cigarettes.

"How about if I get a stick?" Casey asked. "Like a broomstick. And he could hit him like he was a piñata."

Alex and Olivia grimaced slightly at the idea.

"You could really hurt someone like that," Alex noted.

"So what we want to do is inflict maximum pain without hurting him?" Casey asked. "Hey, how about sticking him with a needle?" she suggested. "I hate when you get stuck with a needle and it only makes a little tiny hole in you."

"That has potential," Alex said. "And we could stick him with the needle somewhere where it wouldn't show."

"Like his dick!" Casey said with a grin. "We could use his dick as a pincushion!"

"There's no way in hell I'm touching his dick," Olivia said, disgusted at the idea.

Alex looked about ready to throw up. "Me either!" she said. "Not even with rubber gloves. How about his feet? You could stick the needle between his toes and then nobody could see it."

"Who in the world did you get that idea from?" Casey asked, shocked and in awe at the other ADA.

"Just some dinner table conversation," Alex said with a shrug of her shoulders.

Finally they all fanned out around the house, looking for a needle. Olivia took the downstairs bedroom and found a sewing kit in the closet. She selected the biggest needle in the kit and brought it into the kitchen.

"Who's going to do this?" Olivia asked.

Alex was quick, "I'll take his shoe off."

"I'll take off the sock," Olivia said next.

That left Casey with the needle sticking.

"I bet you think I can't do it," Casey mustered out, even though she did find the idea revolting herself.

Olivia and Alex grinned, making some encouraging noises.

"Whatever," Casey said with a groan. And she took the needle into her hand.

Alex took off Cassidy's shoe, and Olivia removed his sock. The Olivia and Alex both stepped back so that Casey could have some more room to operate.

Cassidy was already looking nervously at the needle. He shuffled his shackled feet around in an attempt to stop Casey.

"Looks like we've got ourselves a moving target girls," Casey mentioned. "I can't do my best work like this."

Alex grabbed another piece of rope and tied it around Cassidy's ankles to the legs of the chair for Casey.

"This little piggy went to the market…" Casey said, touching the little toe with the tip of the needle. "And this little piggy stayed home…"

"Just stick him already," Alex grumbled out.

Casey grabbed Cassidy's big toe, closed her eyes, and rammed the needle into Cassidy dead center between two toes. Cassidy let out an unearthly scream that raised every hair on each of the women's bodies.

Casey's eyes flew open. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she crashed over in a dead faint. Alex ran into the bathroom and stood up and Olivia ran outside onto the porch under the rain until the clanging in her head stopped.

By the time Olivia got back into the kitchen, Casey was already sitting up. The back of her shirt was soaked in sweat and sweat beaded on her upper lip.

"Must have been something I ate," Casey said with a shrug.

The toilet flushed and Alex joined both Olivia and Casey back in the kitchen. Her hair was a wreck and she had washed off most of her make-up. It was a sight that was more frightening then Casey with the needle.

Cassidy's eyes were dilated black, and if looks could kill then all three women would most definitely be dead.

"So, are you ready to talk?" Casey asked, acting as though she hadn't just been phased.

Cassidy shifted a death glare to Casey.

"Hmph," Casey said in response to the look.

They all went back into the living room.

"Now what?" Olivia asked Casey and Alex.

"He's pretty tough," Casey said.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "He's not tough. We're all just a bunch of wimps."

"How about we lock him up here and don't give him any food?" Casey asked. "I bet he'll talk once he gets hungry."

"That could take days…" both Olivia and Alex mumbled at the same time.

Alex looked at her watch. "It's getting late, I better head home."

"Me too," Casey agreed. "I gotta get home to feed the cat."

Olivia looked over at Casey in an odd manner. "I didn't know you adopted a cat."

"It's more like I'm thinking about it," Casey said with an innocent smile. "I'm thinking of stopping at the pet store on the way home and getting a cat, and then I'm going to have to feed him."

"So what are we going to do with that idiot?" Alex asked.

They all brought their attentions back to Cassidy in the kitchen.

"I guess we leave him here for now," Olivia said. "Someone will find him eventually."

They cut the ropes away from Cassidy, stood him up, shoved him into the bathroom, and cuffed him to the main pipe of the pedestal sink. He had one hand free and he was within reach of the toilet. They removed everything from the medicine cabinet. They left the ankle bracelets in place and attached an extra length of chain to the shackle around the base of the toilet. Then they closed the door on him.

"This feels a little like kidnapping," Olivia said.

"No way!" Casey replied. "We're just detaining him, we're allowed to do that."

"I'm thinking about changing careers," Alex said. "Something more sane… like being the detonator on the bomb squad."

The women turned the lights out and locked up. Then they piled into Casey's car and left the house.

"No one's ever gonna believe he got _detained_ by three women anyways," Casey said.

All three women laughed in response.

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**Okay, was that crazy or what? I thought that scene was absolutely hilarious. I just needed to write it. Go ahead and tell me what you think! I really couldn't help myself, a lot of things needed to be changed around to work right, so it kind of became my own scene in a way. Oh well! -Kay**


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